Exercising a Boundary is an act of self-love.
Do you ever find yourself feeling stressed, angry, or emotionally drained after interactions with loved ones, strangers, or work colleagues? If the answer is yes, it could be a sign that someone has crossed your boundaries.
Boundaries are essential for protecting your sanity and well-being. They help you define what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not, and communicate this to others in a clear and respectful way. Think of them as a metaphorical line in the sand that you draw to protect yourself from unreasonable requests, people who lack awareness, or those with no boundaries themselves.
The most crucial aspect of setting boundaries is that if your line is crossed, there has to be a consequence. This doesn’t mean you have to head-butt them immediately (tempting as that may be), but it does mean that you need to stick to what you said will happen if the behavior repeats itself. It’s up to you how many chances you give the other person, but without a definite limit, you’re vulnerable to being exploited.
However, setting and maintaining boundaries is easier said than done. Many people struggle with this, and there are several common blocks to boundary setting, including people-pleasing, fear of conflict, guilt, shame, ignorance of boundary setting, and low self-esteem.
To develop healthy boundaries, it’s essential to understand where you fall on the sliding scale from loose to rigid. If you’re too rigid, you’re inflexible and stubborn, always saying no. If you’re too loose, you’re far too flexible, always saying yes. Your disposition plays a crucial role here, and it’s likely reflected in your ability to set boundaries.
Both extremes can lead to trouble in your interpersonal life. One leads to being taken advantage of and feelings of resentment and lowered self-esteem. The other leads to a lack of connection and hurting other people’s feelings. Neither is desirable, and both can learn from one another.
An individual with healthy boundaries opens a space of discourse for both parties to be respectfully heard and understood, communication is honest and clear. Clarity and precision allow for understanding, and if this is respected, a successful adjustment can take place which fosters positive feelings and progresses the relationship to deeper levels of intimacy, mutual goodwill, and trust.
If you notice any of the common blocks to boundary setting playing out in yourself, it’s a good idea to seek counseling to help you. Alternatively, you can choose to carry out the project solo and journal your progress. Remember, the feared consequence of setting a boundary is generally worse than the actual outcome, and it’s okay to allow yourself to make mistakes.
Communicating someone’s offense to them is like an art form, a skill that will only improve with practice. If you’re new to asserting yourself, it may feel uncomfortable and wrong at first, but you’re establishing the rules of a relationship, and you’re fully entitled to do so! It’s worth going through the initial awkwardness and discomfort, as your self-respect hinges on the ability to construct, communicate, and maintain healthy boundaries.
It’s also useful to consider how you might be crossing other people’s boundaries. You can ask those you care about to see where you are falling short. This will not only help you move through life with less friction and improve your relationships but also increase your sensitivity to boundaries and provide more examples to learn from.
Remember, without attention, you will likely fall back into your default pattern. Stay vigilant!
